A Work in Progress

 

 

How many of us have felt incomplete? We feel there is something missing and that equates to the idea we are not enough. There have been many moments in my life where I have felt inadequate. Something would happen like realizing I didn’t want to pursue acting after finishing a four-year degree in theatre; or getting fired over email on my birthday, in which my employer told me all the reasons why I’m a horrible person and terrible at my job (Yes, that really happened, lol). We’ve all had those moments where something shifts. Sometimes the shift comes from someone else and its’ out of our control. Other times, we change, our passions change with us, and we are left feeling lost. I’ve been through this process many times and I’m in a new one right now.

They all said, ‘Motherhood will change you.’ I’m sure you other parents out there remember when a friend with kids said, ‘Just you wait…’ bug-eyed with an eerie wisdom you’d yet to face. Well, it’s a cliché for a reason. Here I am 4 months post-partum, and the shift has taken me by surprise.

I knew life would change and I knew there was no way of knowing what that would feel like until I was in it. The obvious part is I’m in a physical state of transition; I feel it in the stretched tendons in my hips, and the wacky hormones making me sweat and stink like a roofer working in the sun. I feel it in my emotions; the intensity of feeling whenever anything remotely sad happens on TV. The not so obvious part is I feel like my interests and goals have changed drastically.

The nesting phase I was told would happen during pregnancy never ended. I want to create a home. I want this home for my son to be calm, cozy and clean. I’m cleaning and organizing with a consistency I have never had! It is both satisfying and unnerving. I have always been a messy person who hates mess, but I was much better at avoiding my feelings about it before I gave birth. Now, the mess (99% of the time created entirely by me, my husband is very clean) irritates the shit out of me. I have been trying to build healthy routines for some time and parenthood has made it glaringly clear why this is important.

Before Jack and I became parents we talked about our core values and what we wanted from the life we were building together. We agreed ‘peace’ was at the top of our list. Both of us had been through long-term stressful situations in our younger years and we wanted our futures to hold calm. Of course, life’s storms can hit unexpectedly but if your foundation is strong; built on what you truly care about, then it is much easier to weather those storms. In other words, if you’re baby isn’t sleeping and someone you love is struggling (heartbreak is always around), well, it’s way easier to deal with your emotions about this if your kitchen is clean.

 Even though, hypothetically I knew what I wanted for myself, the reality of what ‘peace’ looked like for me was different than I had first imagined. The intense need for routine and clean countertops is only part it. The things that have come to light were always there, but motherhood is like a beacon blazing down on what I wasn’t ready to admit to myself.

I am an introvert. I’ve known this since my early adulthood, though it’s taken me many years of reconditioning to accept this about myself. I am an extroverted introvert; I’m loud and chatty and super excitable. I also love people, but holy shit, I feel everything they feel, and they make me so tired. Of course, this quality of mine has only been made worse by motherhood. I expected to want my community around much more than I do.

People always frown when I tell them I’m introverted, ‘Really?’ they say, ‘But you’re so bubbly’ (or they use some other similar adverb). The truth is I expel mountains of energy when I’m around people; that’s where all the bubbles come from, my ridiculous energy explosion. This can be fun and super satisfying, like exercising. There’s nothing I love better than a run through the forest and a dive in the ocean, but afterwards I need a break.

My needs as an introverted person have changed since having a baby. For example, I no longer feel like I can work with children, which has been my profession for 9 years. I no longer feel like I can chill with my husband every night. For the first time in my life, I need to vocalise I need to be alone, that means in a room by myself with the door closed, so I can decompress. Sometimes I need to go for a walk and, heaven forbid, a stranger tries to make eye contact and say hello.

It has been humbling how difficult this experience has been. I love my family, I love spending time with them, but I need more time away from them, than I thought. To hold the peace for my family, I need space to hold the peace for myself ALONE. Even though, my logical brain understands this is a natural human need, I have felt a considerable amount of shame asking for my needs to be met. It’s not natural to do it all by yourself and yet the feeling to do so is so engrained. Am I right?!

I realize now, I have needed to be alone for some time, as far back as the beginning of covid when Jack started working from home and I no longer had regular stints by myself. I have allowed myself to become burnt out at many points in my life because I didn’t recognize my own needs and didn’t know how to ask for help.

Asking for help, in general, is a necessary but seriously uncomfortable task! I know asking for help is a healthy, natural thing to do, but oh my god, it is so hard. My ego takes great offence to not being able to do everything on my own! I have always wanted to be an independent person; but it turns out healthy independence doesn’t mean doing everything on your own and never asking for help. If you think this is a healthy way to be, I hate to say it, but that’s your trauma talking.

What I realize as a parent is, as a single person, you can get away with a whole lot of bad habits. You can ignore the signs you are unhappy, or you are not living a life that is authentic to you. However, the second you bring a baby into the mix, bye-bye goes the ability to lie to yourself, bye-bye goes the not-paying-attention-to-your-own-needs act you’ve been performing since your teens. Because if you are not meeting your own needs, there is no damn way you are going to meet your baby’s.

My words of advice to those who want to go on this journey: Get to know yourself. Spend some time in therapy talking about the preparation of becoming a parent. This is something I did, and it helped me recognize when I need to put my overwhelm into perspective. And the reminder born from my perspective is this: It is normal to feel incomplete. Being incomplete is not a bad thing. We are works in progress for our entire lives; we are constantly changing; and we are not meant to function alone. We are complete in our community of loved ones, and we are one of the threads of an intricate fabric created of everything. Of course, we feel incomplete, we are only part of it, and it is not even close to being done.